


I Was Made To Love You (But Sort Of Metaphorically This Time)

by Kantayra of Yore (Kantayra)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-01
Updated: 2003-12-01
Packaged: 2017-10-19 04:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/196811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kantayra/pseuds/Kantayra%20of%20Yore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>'OMG! Will Buffy choose Angel or Spike?! OMG LOL OTP 4EVA!!!11!1!!!'</i> Are you also sick of seeing this summary? Then, this is the story for you. Set after the finale of AtS, it's finally time for Buffy to make a choice. Who knows what ME will do, but this is definitely the way it *won't* happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Was Made To Love You (But Sort Of Metaphorically This Time)

Angel and Spike sat back on the spacious couch in Angel’s office just far enough apart that they were right on the line between ‘barely tolerant chums’ and ‘closet gay lovers’. Slash fans around the world all had their rulers out, measuring the centimeters between the two sexy vampires and just waiting for that gap to close…

But that’s all beside the point. The point is that Angel and Spike were sitting back after a good, long day – or was that night? – of evil thwarting and helpless helping, enjoying their down time as the ambiguously gay duo of demon fighting.

It had been a productive day…er, _night_ in the life of a Champion. All the evil had been thoroughly vanquished from this world with strict instructions that it would stand in the corner for time-out until it could play nice, and all the nasty demons everywhere had been transformed into… I don’t know, fluffy puppies or something. Use your imaginations, people! The message: We’re talking series finale kicking of evil’s ass here.

Which, naturally, meant it was time for the utterly predictable to occur.

There was a soft, polite knock at the door and then a loud bang as it was kicked off its hinges, revealing the Slayer behind it. And, no, not Faith…or Rona…or Kennedy (heaven forbid)…or— Look, remember the first Slayer? NO, _not_ that crazed Australian girl – Buffy! The name ring a bell? Good.

Well, now that that’s all settled, so yeah Buffy knocked on the door and then kicked it in. She gave Spike and Angel a sheepish smile and a shrug. “Didn’t know which one of you was in here,” she said apologetically, entering the office.

Spike and Angel blinked. They’d been rather happily enjoying their moment of questionable sexuality, and Buffy’s arrival now meant that pointless preening and posturing and manly chest-beating was required. With a sigh, the leather-clad undead duo arose.

“Missed me, did you, luv?” Spike purred seductively, sidling up alongside her and rubbing his sexy vampire length against her.

“Mmm…” Buffy sighed contentedly, catching his face between her palms and pulling him in for a deep, passionate kiss.

Angel watched, dropping his jaw and shifting uncomfortably in his tight leather pants that, no, did not necessarily mean he was evil again. Good guys can wear tight pants too, right? Pretty please? With a cherry on top?

When Buffy finally pulled away from the kiss, Spike was left quite inexplicably gasping for air. Because, you know, vampires aren’t supposed to breathe, as every fanfiction author has reminded us over and over again.

However, before Spike had the opportunity to catch his nonexistent breath and gloat over Angel at his stunning triumph, Buffy made her way over to the dark-haired vamp and pulled him in for an equally intense kiss.

Now it was Spike’s turn to be left with the constricting pants and the stunned gaping look on his face.

Buffy pulled away from Angel as well, however, running one hand affectionately down the center of his chest before returning to Spike and repeating the gesture on the peroxide vamp.

Angel watched her, confused. “Uh…I hate to bring this up, but… Can you possibly be a bit clearer on which one of us you finally chose?” he suggested. “Because I’m all primed up to gloat and everything…”

“Yeah, right, Peaches,” Spike snorted sarcastically. “Nice li’l fantasy world you’re livin’ in there? ‘Cause ‘s all too clear who my girl chose…” He looked to Buffy for confirmation.

So did Angel.

Buffy just shook her head and rolled her eyes. “I never said I chose you,” she corrected. Spike’s face slumped, and Angel’s brightened. “And I never said I chose you, either,” she hastily cut Angel off. “I’m still thoroughly indecisive and will continue to send the two of you mixed messages ‘til the end of time. From what I can tell, it’s some vital part of the whole Feminist Icon thingy. Or something.”

Angel and Spike both frowned at that, wishing they could get back to looking suspiciously gay. Spike actually had some good homoerotic snark he’d saved up specially for the finale, and Angel had high hopes of finding some excuse to toss Spike around a little, get right up close in his face and all that good stuff…

“Then why _are_ you here?” Angel finally asked hesitantly.

Buffy smiled brightly. “Your show’s come to an end,” she announced.

Spike and Angel blinked. “Yeah…?” Spike agreed slowly.

“So that means I’m no longer half-baked,” Buffy proclaimed. “I’m fully baked now.”

“Don’t say it,” Angel hissed at Spike when the other vampire moved to retort, his own teeth clenched in an effort not to give in to the obvious set-up.

“But…” Spike hissed back, his own teeth clenched now as well.

“I know,” Angel practically whimpered.

Buffy, oblivious to their dilemma, continued onwards. “So, now that I’ve become a grown-up, mature woman – conveniently off-screen so the writers don’t actually have to worry about all that believable characterization stuff – it’s finally time that we settled this once and for all. Which, I’m told, involves the two of you fighting over me like cavemen.” Suddenly remembering something, she dug around in her purse and pulled out a little bottle. “See? I even brought the oil.”

“Oil?” Angel asked confusedly.

“Hey, I didn’t ask about the half-baked part,” Spike grumbled.

Buffy blinked at the two of them. “Shirts still on why?” she pouted.

“It’s the _series finale_ ,” Angel pointed out. “We don’t really need the added rating booster, do we?”

“Shirts. On. Why?” Buffy insisted.

Every single fan in the audience nodded in firm agreement.

Twin weary sighs, and two sexy vampire chests were revealed. Buffy licked her lips. “I get to put on the oil, right?” she asked hopefully.

“Doesn’t it really seem like there should be a better way to sort out our differences?” Angel suggested hesitantly.

“Wrestlin’ in oil resolves _what_ exactly?” Spike agreed.

“ _Everything_ can be resolved by shirtless men covered in oil,” Buffy insisted. “It’s one of those things I learned when I was figuring how to be all mature and everything.”

“Huh, and here I woulda thought it’d be somethin’ along the lines of choosin’ the man that actually stuck by you when the going got tough.” Spike scowled pointedly at Angel.

“How about the one who didn’t spend most of his time trying to kill you?” Angel retorted, eyes never leaving Spike’s.

“In what universe?” Spike demanded. “Oh, I saw what you did to Red’s fish…”

“That wasn’t me!” Angel insisted vehemently. “I didn’t even have my soul.”

“Well, fine,” Spike rolled his eyes. “‘That wasn’t me’,” he repeated in a whiny voice, “‘I didn’t even have my soul’, either.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t count with you since you don’t have the same get-out-of-jail-free card that the rest of us do,” Angel shot back.

Spike growled. Angel growled back. Buffy excitedly offered them her bottle of oil. However, they ignored her, too caught up in the power struggle between them.

“Always so easy for you, innit, ya ponce?” Spike informed Angel angrily. “You’re the bloody hero, so no matter what you do, ‘s all love and forgiveness. Never had to work a day in your life…”

“I have to put up with _you_ every day, don’t I?” Angel shot back. “Always blabbing on and judging things you don’t know anything about, insulting me all the time just to make your own existence seem a little less pathetic and…”

“—Thinkin’ you’re all high and mighty, ordering everyone around like ‘s your god-given right. Think you can make _me_ your li’l apostle?” Spike accused.

“—Always dashing in and stealing the spotlight from people who have to work every fucking day for everything…”

Twin yellow-flashing pairs of eyes narrowed at each other.

Buffy coughed out a little ‘ahem’ but got no response. She’d been completely forgotten in the growing tension between the two vampires.

“Is it your goal in unlife to drive me out of my mind?” Angel demanded angrily, getting right up in Spike’s face and letting out a low growl.

Completely unconcerned by the apparent threat, Spike merely smirked. “Whatsa matter, Angelus?” he taunted. “Can’t handle bein’ compared to a _real_ vamp?”

“Oh, I think I’ve been… _compared_ ,” Angel’s eyes drifted down to the bulging crotch of Spike’s jeans pointedly, “to you quite enough. And come out quite favorably, if I recall correctly.”

Spike growled at that, and his hand fisted for a punch.

“Um…good start,” Buffy ventured to cut in, “but could the fighting be a little more me-centric? It’s right here in the contract, you see. ‘Buffy is always the center of the universe’.” She pointed to Marti Noxon’s signature at the bottom of the page.

Angel and Spike froze at that, as if just noticing her for the first time.

“Right…” Spike nodded slowly.

“ _I’ve_ got the history,” Angel switched tactics. “We were together long before _you_ ever showed up…”

“Yeah, well, _I’ve_ got all that juicy sexual tension. Relationship’d be right boring without my sexy self there to keep things… _exciting_ …”

“I’ve waited for so long,” Angel shot back. “Do you have any idea how much torture it’s been, thinking about it every day but never acting?”

“You think I haven’t been doin’ the same?” Spike countered. “Always so close but never the one who gets the lovin’ in the end…”

Buffy smiled contentedly at the way things were shaping up. Belatedly, she wondered if she should have brought a camera… And, then, suddenly she frowned. Wait a minute! They weren’t…

“God, I want you!” Angel finally exclaimed in frustration, catching Spike abruptly by his sexy naked shoulders and kissing him breathless.

“Want you now,” Spike agreed when they finally pulled apart, placing a wickedly seductive little bite on Angel’s throat right over the now-silent pulsepoint.

And Buffy blinked. “Hey, wait a minute!” she protested, halting the two embracing vampires in their tracks. “This is supposed to be about _me_!”

The two of them considered that for a moment before Angel shot back. “This is _my_ show, so _I_ get to end up with the sexy vamp,” he concluded happily.

“So there,” Spike couldn’t help but tease.

“God, you drive me crazy!” Angel exclaimed in exasperation.

“Do somethin’ about it,” Spike responded cheekily.

“Oh, I will, boy…” Angel growled out his promise, pulling Spike in close and…

“B-But,” Buffy’s exclamations cut them off once more. “I’m a Feminist Icon! And feminism, from what this show has taught me, is all about getting the sexiest man. I _deserve_ some naked vampire action!”

“Could always start up _your_ show again,” Spike suggested thoughtfully. “I start puttin’ on a few pounds, and in no time there’ll be another unnecessarily-shirtless vamp in your cast.”

Angel nodded…and then frowned. “What was that part about putting on a few pounds?” he accused.

“Beefcake,” Spike retorted with a cocky grin.

With that, Angel finally couldn’t take it anymore and dragged Spike back onto his Couch Of Manly Loving™.

And Buffy sighed. “Can I at least watch?” she asked hopefully. “That’s got to be, like, sexually empowered or something…”

Spike and Angel exchanged a look and shrugged. “Why not, pet?” Spike agreed before pulling Angel down with him to have his wicked way.

“And you’ll use the oil?” Buffy added hopefully.

“Sure.” Angel reached out and finally took the poor lonely bottle of lubricant.

And Buffy smiled happily and sat down, ready to be a proper role model to a whole new generation of impressionable young Valley Girls.

And, Spike and Angel, true to their word, promptly ignored her and got it on with the hot vamp sex.

Leaving all the thirteen-year-old Spuffy and Bangel fans alike to sob their little hearts out at the loss of ‘the most pure love _evah_ ’, only to be mocked by the jubilant slash fans online. And there was much rejoicing. Yay.


End file.
